The Pressure to be Socially Acceptable

We are a society obsessed with behavior…both the good and the bad.  We applaud and esteem those who sacrifice themselves on the altar of work and accomplishment, and conversely, demean those who succumb to the pressure.  We extol workaholics, perfectionism, and caregiving, and detest addiction, depression, and anxiety.  We are, it seems, becoming a people increasingly defined by the behavioral attributes deemed appropriate, socially acceptable, and (dare I say?) “normal.”

What is Normal? 

Normal, however, is an ever-changing and somewhat elusive concept.  What is considered appropriate and normal behavior today will undoubtedly be reconfigured in the light of society’s propensity to redefine itself every few years.  As our cultural identity changes, so too does society’s definition of what constitutes “normal” behavior.

Even the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) acknowledges that the boundary between normality and pathology is a social construct and cautions against classifying behavior or conflicts between an individual and society as problematic.  And yet, we continue to judge behavior that is not typical or culturally expected as deviant or pathological.

No wonder people show up in therapy with a predisposed fear of being abnormal.  The truth is… behavior has much more to do with the context in which it appears than with society’s idealized notion of normality.  Who’s to say that a behavior is indeed maladaptive or abnormal when considered within the context of a person’s experience?  Perhaps instead of labeling a behavior as abnormal, it would be more correct to say that the behavioral manifestation is a normal reaction to an abnormal set of circumstances.

Or better yet…perhaps the behavior is only an outward reaction to an internal deregulation.

Perhaps it’s not about the behavior at all.

When people present with behavior issues, we have a tendency to focus on the behavior as if by alleviating the behavior, we will have alleviated the problem.  The behavior, however, is only a symptom of the problem.  By focusing only on the behavior, we miss the underlying cause, which leads to the behavior.

If we reverse the order…identify and solve the problem…the behavior will dissipate.  In the absence of the underlying problem, the need for the behavior is removed.  Solve the problem, and there will no longer be a need for the behavior.

Hence:

Eating Disorders are not about food.

Gambling is not about money.

Sexual Addiction is not about Sex.

Drug Addiction is not about Drugs.

Alcoholism is not about Alcohol.

It’s not about the Behavior!

So…Alfie…what is it all about?

Behaviors or symptoms are simply manifestations of a deeper problem…. broken connections.

Human beings were created for connection, and in the absence of connection, people become symptomatic.  You see, behaviors are more about a failure to connect with either one’s Self, Others, and/or with God… than they are about pathology or a socially constructed standard of normalcy.

Life is about connection and relationships.  It is about authenticity and wholeness.  It is about being in a real relationship with a real self, with real Others, and with a Real God.

If we focus on behavior…we will get more behavior.  But if we focus on connectedness and wholeness…the need to feel better via a poor behavioral substitute is alleviated.

A real connection always feels better than a counterfeit connection.

Love and heart peace,

Teresa

In what ways has a lack of connection impacted your life? 

How might strengthening a “Real” connection with your sense of Self, with Others, or with God diminish any troublesome behaviors you might be struggling with? 

Curious? Want to know more about healing and wholeness? Read More: 

Priority Relational Health Care Services 

Christian Counseling 

Who Decides What’s Normal? 

This article was originally published under Chrysalis Connections and was reviewed and updated in 2026 as part of the Natural Relational Health Institute rebranding and content expansion.